“How can you forget someone who has been a part of you?” a question
echoed by almost all surrogate mothers whom I asked post delivery. This
brings me to think that I train and enable the surrogate mother to
detach from the baby right through the pregnancy in order to facilitate
the giving process. And I was happy, till date not a single surrogate
mother reported any post partum emotional disturbance. I told myself,
“job well done”. However for reasons unknown to me I questioned myself,
is it indeed a job well done? Doesn’t the surrogate mother ever think of
“the given”?
And the answer is yes they do, but only on probing and after a lot of
persuasion. They are not suppose to but they do cause they are simple
human beings with emotions. All thoughts related to the given such as “how
she looks now, how he must have celebrated his first birthday, has she
gone on her mother, he must be healthy and fair and rosy like his
father” are in their semi-conscious mind, they emerge only when probed.
So then I asked myself is this helpful? Remembering the given-
will it help the surrogate mother in any way? Do I need to push hard in
the counselling sessions during pregnancy to never think of the given?
The answer was rather evident, No not required.
I realised that remembering the given
helps the surrogate in two possible ways. One, almost all our
surrogates have always been dependent on parents, and then spouse or
siblings or uncles and aunts to make important decisions of their life.
Being a surrogate gives them an independent identity. It is “ME” who has
helped another couple in their hour of difficulty.
Second, being a surrogate mother creates hope in them just like it
creates hope in the minds of the IPs. Hope that I will do better in
life; hope to fulfil my dreams and desires. Their attitude towards life
changes after being a surrogate.
Therefore I urge the parents and the surrogates to pray for each other’s wellbeing and never ever forget “the given”.
Melisha Kar
Clinical Psychologist @ SI
Mumbai (Bombay) Time