“How can you forget someone who has been a part of you?” a question echoed by almost all surrogate mothers whom I asked post delivery. This brings me to think that I train and enable the surrogate mother to detach from the baby right through the pregnancy in order to facilitate the giving process. And I was happy, till date not a single surrogate mother reported any post partum emotional disturbance. I told myself, “job well done”. However for reasons unknown to me I questioned myself, is it indeed a job well done? Doesn’t the surrogate mother ever think of “the given”?
And the answer is yes they do, but only on probing and after a lot of persuasion. They are not suppose to but they do cause they are simple human beings with emotions. All thoughts related to the given such as “how she looks now, how he must have celebrated his first birthday, has she gone on her mother, he must be healthy and fair and rosy like his father” are in their semi-conscious mind, they emerge only when probed.
So then I asked myself is this helpful? Remembering the given- will it help the surrogate mother in any way? Do I need to push hard in the counselling sessions during pregnancy to never think of the given? The answer was rather evident, No not required.
I realised that remembering the given helps the surrogate in two possible ways. One, almost all our surrogates have always been dependent on parents, and then spouse or siblings or uncles and aunts to make important decisions of their life. Being a surrogate gives them an independent identity. It is “ME” who has helped another couple in their hour of difficulty.
Second, being a surrogate mother creates hope in them just like it creates hope in the minds of the IPs. Hope that I will do better in life; hope to fulfil my dreams and desires. Their attitude towards life changes after being a surrogate.
Therefore I urge the parents and the surrogates to pray for each other’s wellbeing and never ever forget “the given”.
Clinical Psychologist @ SI